Why is there not an ATM in my bedroom?

if you're kid is fat, teach them to move to the side

maddie: do you guys ever worry that you have worms?

me: ugggh my stomach hurts, but i really want that ice cream.
serie: get spoons.

serie: you've got some wine dripping down your chin.
me: uhhhh i think it's chicken juice.
serie: better.

Boys to Avoid in Life or just this Holiday Season

1. Avoid dudes who don't understand when to stop texting. I'm not in the mood to hang out with you

2. Avoid dudes who have full conversations with people who are passed out

3. Avoid dudes who are over the age of 30 and still get into fights at every bar

4. Avoid dudes who would rather get wasted in their bedroom by themselves than with actual people

5. Avoid dudes who would rather party and not get their dicks up than bang chicks

6. Avoid dudes who pee in the bed

7. Avoid dudes who are unemployed. You will be buying them dinners and drinks. Oh wait.. runs true for employed dudes in BK as well

8. Avoid dudes with girlfriends

9. Avoid dudes with cats. crazy cat dudes

10. Avoid dudes who go into your kitchen and eat what they can find after banging and you're passed out. What is up with the 3am secret snacking sessions?

11. Avoid Vegetarians, Crust Punks, Anarchist Bikers, Dumpster Diving Hippies, Travelers

12. Avoid dudes who end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning

13. Avoid dudes who try and hit on you at darkroom. They are our freinds

14. Avoid dudes who have to consistently untag facebook pictures come monday morning

15. Avoid dudes who try to go home with you because you have heat in your apartment

I would be the ice queen and eat aslan in wing sauce